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15 May 2014

The First Ten People That Must be Tested for HIV-AIDS (A Satire)

"The Top Ten Filipino Public Figures that Must Be Tested First for HIV-AIDS Once the P'Noy Government Push Through with its Mandatory Testing"

The Aquino government through its Department of Health headed by Secretary Enrique Ona plans to impose mandatory HIV-AIDS testing.  Some activists claim that this move is a violation of basic human rights. However, the satirist in me sees this as an opportunity for the ruling elite to demonstrate the true essence of democracy and equality, which are two nifty words that politicians spit to the public during election period or privilege speeches.  Sardonically, if ever the Aquino government pushes with its plan, I suggest that the following ten people should be tested for HIV-AIDS first, emphasis on first, against their free will as a sign of real equality in this country. Why these ten people? For the sake of my precious neck, I will invoke my right against self-incrimination but I think the reasons are obvious. After all, these people can fall under what Secretary Ona claims to belong in the “risk or vulnerable group.”



1. KRIS AQUINO
Kris has had many romantic relationships. Just to be sure. Plus, this will be a grand gesture, the controversial presidential sister leading the way. That will bring glamour to the mandatory HIV-AIDS testing and may put a smile on Emma Stone’s and Andrew Garfield’s faces, if you know what I mean.

2. JUAN PONCE ENRILE
His wife, Christina, said it all. Need we say more.

3. PANFILO LACSON
Just listen to Miriam and that’s all I am at liberty to say.



4. ANY OF THE ESTRADA MEN
The father alone has been very friendly with women. Zip!


5. CHAVIT SINGSON
He was videotaped on a plane with scantily clad models. Clearly, he belongs to the “risk groups.”

6. BONG REVILLA
His “agimat” has been in many places, allegedly.

7. GLORIA MACAPAGAL ARROYO
She’s been in and out of the hospitals for various illnesses. Giving her one more test would not hurt; plus, it has poetic justice written all over it.



8. ALL CATHOLIC PRIESTS IN THE COUNTRY

I know people who had sexual relationships with priests. You can also include the many documented reports of priests molesting minors.  The public must be protected, and as God declares, “the truth will set us free” but it might infuriate the CBCP first.


9. MIRIAM SANTIAGO
Frankly, I would just like to see if Secretary Ona’s minions have the guts to stick a needle on this feisty senator.  Forcing Miriam to go to the clinic is a ratings bonanza, and that’s just the start.

He should do away with the
yellow ribbon and replace it
with red
10. NOYNOY AQUINO
He is a 50-something unmarried man and one time, he was photographed in a hotel with a woman, albeit with his security agents. That’s very harmless actually. No hanky panky. Still, since he is the president, he must be one of the first people to be tested. Call it “leadership by example.”

Do you agree with our list? Who do you think should also be in the list?

Note: Filipino translation, coming soon

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