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10 August 2014

"Why Are You Still Single?" How to Answer this Annoying Question

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If you are single, and fast approaching your thirties or forties, then you probably heard any of the following lines:
  • Why are you still single?
  • When will you get married?
  • Have you ever considered tying the knot?
  • You know, it’s not good to be alone in your sixties.
  • Everybody needs someone to love.
  • You should get married; you’ll make a good father [mother, husband, or wife].



Being asked these questions once or twice is all right.  Some people are just concerned and that is a good thing because it means your friends and family still care about you.  In truth, people do find love in this city and so a sufficient number of people have been satisfied by love.  Cupid, contrary to popular belief, is doing his job, not always consistent but he still deserves a paycheck. Still, how do you stop some individuals from constantly nagging you for being single?

You cannot really say it is none of their business. If you say that, then you give them solid proof.  You are single because you are unlovable. You are toxic.  Therefore, in behalf of all the misunderstood single people out there who have had enough, here are 31 answers that you can use if someone keeps asking you “Why are you still single?”  Thirty-one is an appropriate number because some people begin to pest you about marriage by age 31, and so on.

I tried some of these lines with varying degree of success; others I have yet to try so if you tried some of these, please feel free to comment.  I am curious how our inquisitors would response.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
1. My friends claim I’m too choosy.  But I disagree. I think I just don’t choose my friends wisely.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
2. I love my work so much. My boss treats me well, and pays me more than enough. Occasionally, we sleep together but that extra pay. So, I don’t have a compelling need to get tied down, unless my boss insists we do  “Fifty Shades.”

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
3. My friends said I’m too intimidating so I had them all killed.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
5. My friends said that I’m too shy or too smart.  But I think those are just euphemisms for being ugly.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
6. My friends said it’s because I don’t give 100% of myself when I’m in a relationship.  They may be right but I know someone who gave 100% of herself to her man, now she’s an unmarried woman with three kids, and she’s recently scheduled for execution in China for being a drug mule.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
7. All my friends are married so I have to stay single just to spite them.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
8. I’m great in the kitchen, but I’m a lousy in the bedroom.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
9. I’m mysophobic and I enjoy it!

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
9. My parents said that I’m not yet ready to get married, but I think they are just saying that because I haven’t fully paid them for my education, and of course, the house mortgage.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
10. For men: I’m a gynecologist. I see and touch v*****s everyday so when I go home, I just want something else.
For women: I’m an andrologist. I know more about the p**** than most men so there you go.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
11. Tell you what? If you can find someone who can kill my deadbeat slacker of a brother, my needy mother and my drunk father, my slutty sister and her annoying kids, I am all yours.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
12. Oh, didn't your husband [or wife] tell you? Surprise! You’re getting a divorce. I know this may be inappropriate now, but do you mind if you take full custody of the kids.  I hate your kids, no offense.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
13. I guess you can say I haven’t found the “right “one.  But I have plenty of options behind my back.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
14. Don’t worry. I plan to get married soon. I’m just managing my finances at the moment so my spouse and I can live a good life.  Sadly, her/his father is still alive. Did you know that cyanide does not actually work 100% of the time?  I learned that the hard way.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
15. I’m actually suffering from substance abuse and I think it is not a good idea to go into a relationship while I’m still fragile.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
16. Well, blame laziness.  It was so exhausting hiding my last lover’s body so I said, “I will never be in a relationship again.”  Plus, I had to throw out my good blender. Mom will be pissed.  It was her gift.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
17. I’m actually married, but not in the traditional sense. I belong to a cult, and we frown on monogamous marriage. We believe in free love so technically, I am married to my whole congregation.  Valentine’s Day for us is like street carnival.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
18. I think I may be borderline schizophrenic, and until I’m certain, it’s best to be single. The people in my head can’t always agree who to date or who would be going out for the night.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
19. I’m f**king my dad [or mom]. Does that count?

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
20. Mainly it’s political.  I’m protesting the absence of divorce in our country.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
21. I’m not really single. I’m doing an Angelina Jolie, you know, steal someone’s man and then try him on for a decade or so, then defer marriage while I help refugees.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
22. I’m actually a recovering homosexual. I’m in the process of retraining my p**** [or v*****]. At present, you can say I’m at kindergarten level. Hope I make it to college level.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
23. Why am I single? Well, somebody has to sleep with your husband [or wife]. You know what I mean.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
24. I’m too focused on my job. I’m licensed sex surrogate.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
25. For women: I can’t find a man with a surname that rhymes with my name.
For men: I can’t find a woman who wants to retain her family name.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
26. I’m a sex addict.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
27. I’m a Satanist and we’re very strict on inter-marriages.  It’s hard to find someone who’s willing to convert for love.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
28. I guess because many people think I’m Taylor Swift.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
29. As you can see, I’m way too exotic looking for the altar.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
30. I’m the President of the Philippines.

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
31. Well, it’s a long story. It began in 1590 when the first Spanish Jews settled in the Philippines to avoid persecution during the Spanish Inquisition and… (Continue on until your inquisitor  lose interest. Eventually, they will because you have around 1,000 years to cover. This answer is advisable only to very creative storytellers.)


(First published in “The Chair” Blog on Nov. 11, 2012. 
Original title: "Single and Sick of Your Questions")


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