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12 April 2015

10 Things that the Bible Prohibits Besides Homosexuality

“Blind obedience is dangerous. It is hypocrisy and self-deceiving and not true obedience. God gave us free will and thinking capability.”
From a nun

“An unexamined faith is not worth having, for fundamentalism and uncritical certitude entail the rejection of one of the great human gifts: that of free will, of the liberty to make up our own minds based on evidence and tradition and reason.”
From Jon Meacham (Pulitzer Price winning writer)

[Updated: Feb. 16, 2016] Filipino Boxer Manny Pacquiao has recently compared people in same-sex relationship as “worst than animals.” He later apologized for his comments but he is still against same-sex marriage and he claimed that he was only quoting from the Bible. Pacquiao is correct. The Bible is clear on its stand against homosexual relationships, specifically in Leviticus where it is clearly stated that homosexual acts are sinful.  

"You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination." (Lev. 18:22)
"If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death.” (Lev. 20:13)

Therefore, if you have a gay or lesbian friend and you know he or she has performed homosexual acts, you may stone them to death. However, before you do, please take note of some of things that the Holy Bible also prohibits besides homosexuality. 

The exact wordings in the list below are not direct quotes from the Bible. The exact quotes from the Bible are cited below each statement.

1: THOU SHALL NOT EAT PORK, SHRIMP AND SHELLFISH.
Bad news for people who love shrimps, oysters, clams, ham, bacon and other dishes with pork. You will go to hell!

Leviticus 11
(7) “…and the pig, for though it divides the hoof, thus making a split hoof, it does not chew cud, it is unclean to you. (8) You shall not eat of their flesh nor touch their carcasses; they are unclean to you. (9) These you may eat, whatever is in the water: all that have fins and scales, those in the water, in the seas or in the rivers, you may eat. (10) But whatever is in the seas and in the rivers that does not have fins and scales among all the teeming life of the water, and among all the living creatures that are in the water, they are detestable things to you, (1) and they shall be abhorrent to you; you may not eat of their flesh, and their carcasses you shall detest. (12) Whatever in the water does not have fins and scales is abhorrent to you.”
  
2: THOU SHALL NOT HAVE ROUNDED HAIRCUTS
Having a crew cut hairstyle is required in armies around the world, including the Philippines. Poor brave soldiers, you have broken God's law. Furthermore, anybody who is sporting the new pompadour hairdo will go to hell!

Leviticus 19:
(27) “Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard.”
  
3: THOU SHALL NOT PRACTICE “WITHDRAWAL” DURING SEX BECAUSE THE LORD WILL KILL YOU
Do not waste those seeds! Keep them in! Certainly, masturbation is prohibited as well. Technically, that is mass murder. 

Genesis 38:
(9) “And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. (10) “And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also.”
  
4: THOU SHALL NOT HAVE A TATTOO OR ANY MARKINGS ON YOUR SKIN
Having tattoos of crucifixes, Jesus, angels and other Christian religious symbols do not matter. You will still go to hell! 

Leviticus 19:
(28) "'Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the Lord.”

5: THOU SHALL NOT ALLOW WOMEN TO SPEAK IN CHURCH
Last time I went to church, my grandmother spoke and shared how God helped her. At that time, I had not fully read the Bible yet, but if I had, I would have shouted, "Grandma, shut up bitch! You're in  church. The Lord is not pleased that you speak."

1 Corinthians 14:
(34) “The women are to keep silent in the churches; for they are not permitted to speak, but are to subject themselves, just as the Law also says. (35) If they desire to learn anything, let them ask their own husbands at home; for it is improper for a woman to speak in church.”

6: THOU SHALL NOT ALLOW WOMEN TO HAVE BRAIDED HAIR, WEAR GOLD AND PEARLS AND WEAR EXPENSIVE CLOTHES.
Basically, believers should be banning "Frozen" because Ana and Elsa made braided hair look cool and immaculate. Just imagine all those sinful little girls with their demonic braids.  

1 Timothy 2:9K
(9) “In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array…”

7: THOU SHALL NOT ALLOW A WIFE TO HELP HER HUSBAND DURING A FIGHT BY TOUCHING THE PRIVATE PARTS OF HER HUSBAND’S OPPONENT. IF SHE DOES THIS, HER HANDS SHOULD BE CUT OFF.
Hmm. Let's say I saw my husband being attacked by a criminal. He could die if I did not help him so the only way for me to immobilize his attacker is to hit the attacker in the balls. However, my husband would cut off my hands for that. Yes, I saved his life, but then again, divine law is divine. Better let the attacker continue. Hey, if my husband died, I would be a widow and have a higher position in life. 

Deuteronomy 25:
(11) If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, (12) then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.”

8: THOU SHALL STONE A WOMAN TO DEATH IF SHE IS NOT A VIRGIN BEFORE SHE GETS MARRIED
Forget the groom who probably slept with other women and countless sex workers before marriage. Let us focus on stoning the slutty woman to death. 

Deuteronomy 22:
(20) “But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel. (21) Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die.”

9: THOU SHALL STONE TO DEATH CHILDREN WHO CURSE THEIR PARENTS
If we strictly apply this, half of the population of kids will be wiped out.

Exodus 21:
(17) “And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death.”

10: THOU SHALL NOT ALLOW A MAN TO JOIN THE CONGREGATION OR CHURCH IF  HIS PENIS IS CUT OFF OR HE HAS NO BALLS REGARDLESS WHETHER THIS HAPPENED BY ACCIDENT OR NOT.
Bottom line, some congregations just feel uncomfortable accepting guys with damaged balls and cut penises. Forget forgiveness, we want a complete set of balls and a full-length dick. 

Deuteronomy 23:
(1) “He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord.”

These are just some of the surprising things that the Bible prohibit. Still, we all deserve to go to hell. Luckily, Jesus said, "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone..." (John 8:7). As always, Jesus saves the day but unfortunately some clergymen and laymen hypocrites are not listening.

Amen

Image part of public domain
P.S.
By the way, this is a Juvenalian satire so put the pitchforks down. If you get angry at this, you reveal the shallowness of your faith towards your own religion.  

You know you that you failed as a satirist if you have to tell your readers that you are writing a satire but then again, I am very attached to my head so I do not want to feel it rolling on the ground.  I am also very fond of my private parts so I do not want to lose them as well or I may not be allowed to enter church.


Peace!


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